1, 2, 3, Stinker Kurt!

Nino Tenorman Must Die

2009-03-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

Maybe if the people of Guinea-Bissau watched more South Park, they wouldn't have to deal with this assassination stuff. LOL!!

I'm thinking of the episode called Scott Tenorman Must Die. In it, Cartman and an older kid named Scott Tenorman get into a sort of practical joke battle. It escalates into worse and worse pranks. The episode ends with Cartman killing Scott Tenorman's parents, cooking their meat into chili, and tricking Scott Tenorman into eating it. In his triumphant glee, Cartman sings the refrain "Made you eat your parents! Made you eat your parents!" and licks Scott Tenorman's salty tears as they fall from his eyes.

This episode has been rated by South Park fans as one of the ten best of all time, but it is based on one of Shakespeare's worst plays, Titus Andronicus. In it, a Roman general named Titus and Tamora, Queen of the Goths have a little practical joke battle of their own. Soon people in both families are getting killed, raped, and dismembered through various acts of revenge, until finally Titus bakes Tamora's sons into a pie and feeds them to her. Then everyone kills everyone else. The end. YUCK!

Anyway... Guinea-Bissau. This week there was some upheaval in the country. The President, named Joao Bernardo Vieira but nicknamed "Nino", never got along very well with the general of the army. Well, this past Sunday, the army general is assassinated, perhaps by a Nino-supporter. The next day Nino himself gets assassinated, perhaps by a supporter of the late army general. No one has been baked into a pie or a pot of chili yet, but this kind of revenge killing stuff does make me feel a little sick.

We can all learn a lesson from Eric Cartman. Namely: DON'T BE ERIC CARTMAN. We should all go around asking ourselves WWECND? (What Would Eric Cartman NOT Do?) Then the world would be a better place. If I was a diplomat in charge of peace talks (whether in Africa or the Middle East or anywhere), I would make everyone watch Scott Tenorman Must Die before a word was said.

Of course, there is another theory that neither of the assassinations in Guinea-Bissau had to do with political revenge, but were instead orchestrated by the druglords who have rapant control over the country. Nino was killed by a bomb, which many people seem to think is an "un-African" method of killing; therefore it must have been committed by one of the foreign drug-trade types. I'm not sure if that sort of reasoning would hold up in court, though. Hmm.

(And do I detect a hint of pan-African pride when I read things like "Oh, bombs are SO not the African style"? On a continent where child soldiers are trained to hack people up with machetes, a bomb almost seems merciful...)

Remember: WWECND.

The Semi-Barbaric Princess

2009-02-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite short stories is The Lady or the Tiger? by Frank Stockton. It's more than just a story... it's a thought experiment on human nature, lol!! Let me summarize:

Once upon a time, a princess and some random guy fell in love. Her father, the king, didn't like this love affair, so he decided to put the guy in an arena with two doors. The guy had to pick one of the two and accept whatever was behind it. Behind one door was a vicious tiger that would maul the guy instantly. The other door had a lady behind it -- not the princess, but a different lady -- and the guy would have to marry this lady and live with her forever, should he pick that door. So either way, his relationship with the princess was about to end.

The guy was pretty scared because he had a 50% chance of dying, but the princess told him not to worry. She had inside knowledge of which door was which. So when the guy was in the arena, he looked up to the stands where the princess sat. She caught his eye and made a small gesture, letting him know which door he should open.

But that's where the story ends! lol

We are left to wonder whether the princess chose that her lover should die or marry another lady. Very tricky.

That's what the situation in Zimbabwe reminds me of right now. It's like Mugabe is the princess and the country of Zimbabwe is the guy she's in love with. Except instead of a love affair, there's been three decades of violent and oppressive rule... but for the sake of the analogy, let's call that a love affair.

Now that power-sharing agreements have been reached between the MDC and Zanu-PF, Mugabe is left in a similar position as the princess: his love affair is ending against his will. But he still has some cards left to play. Will he help Zimbabwe open door number one, where peace and prosperity and long life await? Or will he -- out of his own selfishness and pride -- lead them to open door number two, where there's nothing but violence, poverty, cholera, death, destruction, inflation, etc? Does he want Zimbabwe to survive even if he will not be in charge of everything?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Aid Workers in Sudan: WATCH YO BACKZ

2009-02-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

So rumor has it (and by "rumor" I mean "Reuters" lol) that the International Criminal Court is fixing to issue an arrest warrant for the president of Sudan, Mr. Omar al-Bashir himself!! They never issue warrants for sitting heads-of-state, so this is kind of wild.

Why the warrant? Because the UN thinks al-Bashir commited acts of genocide, killing about 300,000 people and displacing a solid 2.5 million. But down in Khartoum, they say it's NOT genocide, just regular old killing -- and besides, it's only been a measley 10,000 deaths! Which is hardly anything, when you look at it from just the right nihilistic viewpoint lol.

And when the Sudanese envoy to the UN got the news of the new ICC warrant, he said, "Lalalala I can't hear you! What are you saying? HAHA I can't hear anything! Lalalala!!"
(I'm paraphrasing lol)

Anyway, it's kind of bad news to be a UN worker or humanitarian aid-type person in Sudan right now. I mean, things are always a little dicey. But especially now, because the warrant might spark violent protests, or even perhaps some violent retaliation orchestrated by the government. Who knows!

Sometimes these ICC warrants stir up trouble. Their number one most wanted guy is Uganda's Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord's Resistance Army, who has been attacking northern Uganda (and parts of the DR Congo and southern Sudan) for nearly two decades. He has abducted something like 30,000 kids and turned them into child soldiers and sex slaves... and his stated goal is taking over Uganda and ruling the country according to the Ten Commandments. (Some commandments more than others, I suppose.) Well, Kony and the Ugandan government were sitting down for peace talks. But when the ICC issued their warrant, it kind of choked things up. Kony has said he won't reach a peaceful agreement while the warrant is still out on him. The Ugandan government doesn't have much control over the ICC, so they are a little stuck.

So the ICC is kind of a gray area. A little good, a little bad. Just like people. Just like life.

Or did I just blow your mind??

Goaty Goatface

2009-01-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

In my home country of Nigeria, our cops know how to handle criminals all right! lol

Today two men in Nigeria tried to steal a Mazda, but the police stopped them in the nick of time. One of the men got away, but the other turned into a goat and was promptly arrested. In the Western world, people might call that "both men got away." But in the Nigerian equivalent of redneck country, we know a thing or two about black magic. Turning into a goat is not an uncommon way to get yourself out of a sticky situation. My grandmother always sang me this Coleridgian verse to encourage me to goat-tranform should the situation call for it:

O, crime today is so wide-spread
That vigilantes cut your throat
Before your sentence e'er is read!
A mob cries out, "His head! His head!"
And "No!" you shout, but soon you're dead.
So listen boy, and do take note,
That when you flounder in a pinch
Remember: none shall ever lynch
The cuteness of a little goat.

You notice that turning himself into a goat did not help the robber get away with his humanoid partner-in-crime. But that is not the point. The point is, the goat was taken into custody before any lynching could happen. No one has it in them to lynch a goaty goatface, and in today's Nigeria, that is important to remember. Goats receive the full protection of the law. As they should!!

Obey my dog!

2009-01-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

Some people wonder if life imitates art or if art imitates life, lol. Well whichever way it goes, I have to blog about a recent discovery of mine... Jacobim Mugatu and Robert Mugabe are almost the same person!!

One is a fictional villian portrayed by Will Ferrell, the other is a Zimbabwean dictator. But let me make my case...

1. Similar Names

* "Mugatu"

* "Mugabe"

2. Lust for Power

* Mugatu clearly enjoys a dictator-like role in his fashion world, abusing his models and personal assistant.

* Mugabe's violent and oppressive reign has been completely defined by his own fear of losing power.

3. Dorky Beginnings

* Mugatu was kicked out of Frankie Goes To Hollywood, then went on to create the piano key necktie.

* Mugabe was a quiet boy who never played with his siblings and focused intensely on his schoolwork. Big nerd.

4. No Moral Objections to Cold-Blooded Murder

* Mugatu is responsible for the assassination of many public figures and the deaths of many male models.

* Mugabe is responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of people during his 28-year reign. He has bragged about having a "degree in violence" in addition to his other academic degrees.

5. Sweet Cribs

* Although it may be his workplace instead of his home, Mugatu resides in a plush New York City skyscraper that he has customized with a giant "M" on the roof.

* Mugabe has used his impoverished nation's tax dollars to build himself a VERY nice pad, featuring elaborate pagoda-style roofs and 44 acres of landscaped grounds, costing about 26 million USD!

6. Top-Secret Brainwashing Camps

* Mugatu selects male models to send to an exclusive "day spa" that is, in actuality, a place where he brainwashes people into becoming assassins.

* Mugabe has chosen to employ children instead of male models. His regime has set up several National Youth Service Training Program camps, which officially teach kids job skills and patriotism, but seem to actually be teaching kids how to rape, beat, and murder people (often their own family members, as part of training).

7. Memorable Quotes!

* "I'm a hot little potato right now!" --Jacobim Mugatu

* "If that is Hitler, then let me be a Hitler ten-fold. Ten times. That is what we stand for." --Robert Mugabe

Little Stinker, Big World

2009-01-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

As you can see, blogging is a little tough for me because I am so small. Sometimes making a capital letter feels like a game of Twister! lol

But just because you're small doesn't mean you can't save the day. Here is a news story about a little boy whose friend gets hit by a car. The driver flees the scene, but the boy carries his friend all the way home, just like he was a member of the Jamaican bobsled team carrying the broken sled the rest of the way to the finish line at the end of Cool Runnings, except instead of an old bobsled, it was his best friend in the whole world. Sometimes they advise people NEVER to move the body in the case of an accident, but today was different. Today the boy became a hero for doing just that. What a show of true friendship!!

A little about me

2009-01-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Stinker Kurt. You may recognize me as the little brother of former Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo. (Family resemblence much?! lol)

I hope to fill this blog with real slices of humanity. You'll find observations about the whole world here. You might also find poems written by yours truly. We'll laugh together, and we might ever cry together. I can't wait to get started!!